when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
