Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
