the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
