There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize