who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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