I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
