We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
