The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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