remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
