Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
