what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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