Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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