I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
