What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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