So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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