You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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