you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
