Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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