I am puke
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
