Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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