My friends, they love my intelligence
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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