I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
