He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize