Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
