Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
