the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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