fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
