woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize