just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
