Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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