pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
