Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
