Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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