Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
