I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
