I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
