I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
