On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
