Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
