I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
