so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
