Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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