I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
