Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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