She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
