Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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