Christians are straight up FREAKS
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
