Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
