Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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