Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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