I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
