Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
