Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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