I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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