everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize