It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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