: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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