she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
