It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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