Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
