ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize
