forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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